Next week my son will begin his academic career - Kindergarten. He is a confident, in-the-moment kind of guy, so he seems pretty laid back about the whole thing. I love that about him. He is ready. He is already asking me questions like, "Why do people speak different languages?" And he loved the story I told him about how people used to think the world was flat. He thought it was hilarious! Now I'm not sure if those topics will be covered in Year One, but he'll get there.
What surprised me about embarking on this adventure is MY feelings about it. I figured I'd feel something, just not this. Sure, I'm sentimental about this rite of passage, this gateway into a larger world, but this feeling of trepidation that I keep trying to ignore is what I find so interesting. It boils down to this. I hope he doesn't feel like I did.
My son is a vibrant, smart, creative spirit who is full of amazing energy. He is interested in a lot of different things. I don't ever want him to think for one second that he isn't talented or that he doesn't have anything to offer the world. As I studied the usual subjects in school and even in my extra-curricular activities, I felt more and more generic, untalented and unimportant. I did well in school but because I didn't feel like I fit into any of the boxes that I was presented with, (I wasn't good in sports, I didn't want to be a doctor or a lawyer, I couldn't sing, and even though I loved to dance, I never could get good enough to get up on pointe, which I deemed to be the most beautiful thing in the world at age 9) I assumed those were the only boxes there was. It took many more years for me to find my boxes and undo the images I created from my earlier schooling.
I need to be careful not to put my stuff about school on my son. I do consciously try to bring his attention to a world of infinite boxes as I tend to my inner elementary school kid. I guess this is what they mean when they say "your children will raise you".
"Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid." - Albert Einstein
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Taking the Leap
Taking the leap. It feels more like a grand jete but a lot less graceful. A cannon ball feels more accurate. If it works out, I will label it an act of faith and if it doesn't, then it will be that stupid thing I did when I was 40. The jury's still out.
Oh ya, the leap was that I quit my job. I didn't mean to. I really didn't. What I meant to do was reduce my hours. I was looking for a little more balance. But when that didn't work out, the conversation that ensued resembled a beautiful melody - the kind that leads you somewhere. This particular melody led to my resignation. And for the first ten days following, I felt awesome, powerful and happy. I was actually surprised how good I felt. There was even a little more spring in my step. This must be the "right" decision. Right? Then fear came crawling in slowly. I hope I didn't just put my family in jeopardy. Will there be enough? Did I make a mistake? I have to stop evaluating my decisions based on how I feel in the moment. That's a hard way to live in the world.
The truth is I made a bold choice. One that my family supports (bonus!) and that was talked about at length even though I hadn't made a final decision until that day. Now it's my job to live into the decision rather than turn away from it like I'm bracing myself against a cold wind. I will have more time with my son before he starts kindergarten and more time to develop and promote "Dance Like Nobody's Watching". And I'm taking my own advice. I'm working it out thru dance.
I attended a wellness fair yesterday to help get the word out about DLNW. I was feeling self conscious going around talking with people about my vision even though I have clarity about it in my heart. Somewhere between my heart and my voice, I pick up doubt and self consciousness. And when only a few people got up to dance during my workshop, I decided to dance thru my self conscious feelings. They didn't go away, but they were tolerable. (The feelings that is, not the people). The thing that surprised me after dancing was that below my feelings of insecurity was the clarity that I felt more like myself than I had in a really long time. And that felt really good.
So as I embark on this mission of mine to create more and more opportunities for people to dance, I have to be willing to hold the space until more people join me. Until then, I will keep showing up and holding the invitation to dance.
Oh ya, the leap was that I quit my job. I didn't mean to. I really didn't. What I meant to do was reduce my hours. I was looking for a little more balance. But when that didn't work out, the conversation that ensued resembled a beautiful melody - the kind that leads you somewhere. This particular melody led to my resignation. And for the first ten days following, I felt awesome, powerful and happy. I was actually surprised how good I felt. There was even a little more spring in my step. This must be the "right" decision. Right? Then fear came crawling in slowly. I hope I didn't just put my family in jeopardy. Will there be enough? Did I make a mistake? I have to stop evaluating my decisions based on how I feel in the moment. That's a hard way to live in the world.
The truth is I made a bold choice. One that my family supports (bonus!) and that was talked about at length even though I hadn't made a final decision until that day. Now it's my job to live into the decision rather than turn away from it like I'm bracing myself against a cold wind. I will have more time with my son before he starts kindergarten and more time to develop and promote "Dance Like Nobody's Watching". And I'm taking my own advice. I'm working it out thru dance.
I attended a wellness fair yesterday to help get the word out about DLNW. I was feeling self conscious going around talking with people about my vision even though I have clarity about it in my heart. Somewhere between my heart and my voice, I pick up doubt and self consciousness. And when only a few people got up to dance during my workshop, I decided to dance thru my self conscious feelings. They didn't go away, but they were tolerable. (The feelings that is, not the people). The thing that surprised me after dancing was that below my feelings of insecurity was the clarity that I felt more like myself than I had in a really long time. And that felt really good.
So as I embark on this mission of mine to create more and more opportunities for people to dance, I have to be willing to hold the space until more people join me. Until then, I will keep showing up and holding the invitation to dance.
Monday, February 10, 2014
My Good Friend Fear
This could be an entry in my journal as much as a blog. Or maybe it's to anyone who struggles to make decisions. Especially conscious ones. I've often described my spiritual journey and life in general as one where I fumble along bumping into this and that and eventually I end up where I'm supposed to be. It's not always graceful but it gets the job done.
In the last year or so I have felt "old" for the first time. By the way, "old" is not a feeling. It surprised me a little, especially when I'd find myself around someone much older than me with double the vitality and way more connected to their beauty. What's that about? I wondered. I also started asking myself questions like,
"Am I too old to...have a baby?"
"Is it too risky? Too late? Am I too heavy? Too tired? Too...whatever?"
"Is it too hard to move to settle in a new part of the country?"
Then it hit me. I am asking the wrong questions.
"Do I want to...have a baby, move to a new city, etc.?"
"What am I scared of?"
Now we are getting somewhere. And my answer is rarely just a yes or no. It's usually yes AND no. And both voices have value. That second question about fear is the key. I'm afraid of unknown hardships and "bad" things happening directly linked to my choices. I'm afraid that I'd be bringing things on myself instead of just letting things be and being content with what is. I want clear guidance. A burning bush would due. :) Until then, I will stay here with what is familiar just because I know what to expect.
Now I need a voice greater than my fear to come in and speak. Sometimes I feel like I'm making it up in my head or just saying what I would say to a good friend. I've learned that that is not a bad place to start.
My bottom line at this moment in time is that there will be both positive and negative outcomes to whatever choice I make. The goal is to make it consciously and not the from the old, comfortable "this is what I know" fear place. It seems simple enough as I write it but much more complicated when it rolls around in my head for anything length of time.
If you are interested in this idea of letting the different parts of you have a voice, check out the Pathwork Lecture on "Meditation For Three Voices" at www.pathwork.org.
Until next time.
t
In the last year or so I have felt "old" for the first time. By the way, "old" is not a feeling. It surprised me a little, especially when I'd find myself around someone much older than me with double the vitality and way more connected to their beauty. What's that about? I wondered. I also started asking myself questions like,
"Am I too old to...have a baby?"
"Is it too risky? Too late? Am I too heavy? Too tired? Too...whatever?"
"Is it too hard to move to settle in a new part of the country?"
Then it hit me. I am asking the wrong questions.
"Do I want to...have a baby, move to a new city, etc.?"
"What am I scared of?"
Now we are getting somewhere. And my answer is rarely just a yes or no. It's usually yes AND no. And both voices have value. That second question about fear is the key. I'm afraid of unknown hardships and "bad" things happening directly linked to my choices. I'm afraid that I'd be bringing things on myself instead of just letting things be and being content with what is. I want clear guidance. A burning bush would due. :) Until then, I will stay here with what is familiar just because I know what to expect.
Now I need a voice greater than my fear to come in and speak. Sometimes I feel like I'm making it up in my head or just saying what I would say to a good friend. I've learned that that is not a bad place to start.
My bottom line at this moment in time is that there will be both positive and negative outcomes to whatever choice I make. The goal is to make it consciously and not the from the old, comfortable "this is what I know" fear place. It seems simple enough as I write it but much more complicated when it rolls around in my head for anything length of time.
If you are interested in this idea of letting the different parts of you have a voice, check out the Pathwork Lecture on "Meditation For Three Voices" at www.pathwork.org.
Until next time.
t
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