This could be an entry in my journal as much as a blog. Or maybe it's to anyone who struggles to make decisions. Especially conscious ones. I've often described my spiritual journey and life in general as one where I fumble along bumping into this and that and eventually I end up where I'm supposed to be. It's not always graceful but it gets the job done.
In the last year or so I have felt "old" for the first time. By the way, "old" is not a feeling. It surprised me a little, especially when I'd find myself around someone much older than me with double the vitality and way more connected to their beauty. What's that about? I wondered. I also started asking myself questions like,
"Am I too old to...have a baby?"
"Is it too risky? Too late? Am I too heavy? Too tired? Too...whatever?"
"Is it too hard to move to settle in a new part of the country?"
Then it hit me. I am asking the wrong questions.
"Do I want to...have a baby, move to a new city, etc.?"
"What am I scared of?"
Now we are getting somewhere. And my answer is rarely just a yes or no. It's usually yes AND no. And both voices have value. That second question about fear is the key. I'm afraid of unknown hardships and "bad" things happening directly linked to my choices. I'm afraid that I'd be bringing things on myself instead of just letting things be and being content with what is. I want clear guidance. A burning bush would due. :) Until then, I will stay here with what is familiar just because I know what to expect.
Now I need a voice greater than my fear to come in and speak. Sometimes I feel like I'm making it up in my head or just saying what I would say to a good friend. I've learned that that is not a bad place to start.
My bottom line at this moment in time is that there will be both positive and negative outcomes to whatever choice I make. The goal is to make it consciously and not the from the old, comfortable "this is what I know" fear place. It seems simple enough as I write it but much more complicated when it rolls around in my head for anything length of time.
If you are interested in this idea of letting the different parts of you have a voice, check out the Pathwork Lecture on "Meditation For Three Voices" at www.pathwork.org.
Until next time.
t
