Fleeting Inspirations

So I was home today because my son's school was closed for snow.  I was having the familiar guilty, conflicted feelings I always have when I have to call in to work.  I wrote down what I wanted to get done today and put some music on to clean the kitchen.  I had this great idea for a blog.  I knew I wanted to write about it today and I added it to my list of things I'd like/need to do today.  Five hours later I sit down to write and I can't remember any of the inspiring things that came to me while listening to "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" in the kitchen.  I'd like to say that doesn't happen a lot but I'd be lying.  I know I can't always stop what I'm doing to follow my inspiration but I need to at least write down a note or two.  Maybe that would help.  I'm sure if a scientist studied that part of my brain that is stimulated by the inspiration, it  would be nowhere near the long term memory center.  I have found that to be true during emotional process work as well.  I've had deep realizations that feel like game changers in my psyche and if I don't write about it to solidify the experience more deeply, I can lose the lesson.  I know my body will remember, but I don't always have the mental ability to recall the insight. 

Lack of inspiration isn't my issue.  Just the other day I thought, it would fun to create a beyblade group for my son or I should email the PTA about the idea I saw online about an art project that celebrated each unique individual at the school and I'm always holding space for the performing and healing arts space I want to create.  So what is the missing link from an idea and the manifestation of that idea.  I know a lot have been written on the subject, but what is it for my specific brand of resistance? 

And just like that - I remembered part of my earlier inspiration.  And promptly lost it as my son asked me if he could play with his tablet.  Ah yes, avoiding disappointment.  I started thinking about the last time I was really excited about something.  Really looking forward to a project, event, anything.  I was really looking forward to spending Christmas with my family this year but that was all I could come up with.  When did I start shielding myself form being disappointed?  It happened little by little.  Most of the time, I didn't even know I was doing it.  What made me notice it?  I started meditating everyday for a short time.  My negative thinking was really becoming a problem.  Do you ever get sick of your own thoughts?  I sure do.  I've only been consistently meditating for forty-some days (which is a lot for me) but I started noticing a connection between my bad attitude and lack of inspired action.  What if I let myself get really excited about something? Anything?  And take small actions toward that thing.  Not enough to freak me out, but baby steps to move me closer to realizing that excitement.  I could allow myself to get as excited as I see my son get about things on a daily basis.  I may be disappointed.  I may even get my heart broken.  But that is the kind of life I want to live.  This emotional safe one is kind of a downer. 

If you could pick one thing to get excited about, what would it be? 

Adventures in Blue Hair

If you know me, you know that back in March I decided to dye my hair blue.  Not just a strip or two, but all of the hair on my head.  No big deal, right?  Who cares?  Well, I've been talking about doing it for more than a year but never had the "guts" to pull the trigger.  It was always one good reason or another - too much money, what if I look dumb, it will trash my hair, what will my job say?  I'm in my 40s - who does that?

 I do.

I've been blue for three months now.  My husband helped me pull the trigger and not only found me a stylist, he made the appointment and got me a gift certificate to pay for it!  I'm glad he did otherwise I may still be talking about it.  Lots of people ask me why I did it.  I don't have a good reason other than - I wanted to.  I've never done it before and I've wanted to for a long time.  Blue is my favorite color and when I see it, it makes me happy.  I wish I had a better story.  Someone asked if it was for Autism Awareness and another asked if I lost a bet.   A seven year old girl said I looked like an Oompaloompah.  Which, by the way, they have green hair.  Maybe I just wanted to see if I'd do it.  I'm glad I did.

One outcome of this divergence from natural hair color is this - I've had more friendly conversations with total strangers than I would have ever had with my normally brown hair.  Sometimes I forget it's blue and I wonder if I have something on my face or toilet paper hanging out of my pants if I see someone staring at me for a second.  Then I remember-it's the hair.  I promise you, this isn't for attention.  It's about expression.  It's about being me and doing something out of the norm that makes me happy.  Will I keep it forever? No.  Will I do it again.  There is a pretty good chance I will.

I'm very popular with elementary school girls.  If I'm feeling down and just want to be invisible, it is harder to do, but I will tell you that when I catch myself in the mirror, I like what I see a whole lot more than I did when my hair was brown.  I started thinking about why?  For someone who has a long history of disordered eating and being overweight off and on for many of my younger years, I was always (consciously or unconsciously) trying to fit into that narrow lens of "beauty" that that I thought I was supposed to fit into in order to be happy.  I never felt I measured up no matter what my size.  And by the way, did I mention, that fitting in this lens was a competition?  That's why it's so huge and weird for me to say "I like the way I look with blue hair".  It's me and I think it's pretty.  Am I allowed to say that out loud?  Does that make me a narcissist?  Self absorbed?  How dare I write a whole blog about the color of my hair!  How dare I say that I like the way I look - who do I think I am?   Yet here I am.

I thought some of the reactions that people shared with me were fun.  You have to understand, normally I'm pretty nondescript.  Not someone you would stop on the street for any reason.  A lot of little children will stop me and say they like my hair and that is so cool.  Many woman shared that they have wanted to do this color or that but never did it.  I get it.  One person told me I was brave - I'm not sure about that.  Remember, my husband helped get things rolling.  The woman who did my mammogram said that my personality didn't match my hair.  I'm not sure what that means but I think it was compliment.  Maybe not.  :) Either way, it was fun to step out of the social norm, although in Richmond, it's not so abnormal to see many different "unnatural" hair colors walking around the city.  If nothing else, it was a great social experiment.  And to my inner artist, it was the most fun that I have had in a long time.  So here's to following through on some of those creative ideas that come to us each day.  That's all for now.  twg

Nurturing the Spark

I took my son to his first drum lesson yesterday.  I think I was more excited than he was.  He's been wanting to play the drums for more than a year.  And when you are only 5 getting ready to turn 6, that's a long time.  My husband and I encourage him when he mentions an instrument he wants to play and have often found ourselves on a field trip to the music store just to look around.  My son is a "Renaissance Man" and is interested in a lot of things.  It's on of the things I really like about him.  Anyway, as his first lesson progressed, I found myself unconsciously thinking:

"When are they going to nurture the spark?"

"When are they going to let him express himself?"

How is he ever going to know the satisfaction of self expression if the whole lesson is technical?  Why would he ever want to continue these lessons and work on technique at the age of 5 if he never gets to show his teacher what he's got?  I just couldn't get these nagging questions to quiet down.

All that being said, I have to say that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the the lesson or the teacher.  It was age appropriate.  He learned some basics and thank goodness it was only thirty minutes.  It just seemed very academic - all work and no play.  Almost like it was designed to make me happy.  I absolutely understand the necessity of fundamentals and all of that.  And I had to laugh because every time my son tried to talk, the teacher nipped that in the bud.  And anyone who knows my son, knows that he's a talker and it would be thirty minutes before the lesson even started?  He has a lot to say.  And he wants you to listen.  So, as impressed as I was at the teacher's ability to keep focus, I kept feeling like there was no room for Jackson in his lesson.  I feel like that in my life too sometimes.  I've been working on putting more "Tiffiny" in my day.

Now I've come to accept that I'm a little different than a lot of other parents, especially in my priorities.  And since I haven't quite found my "tribe" in my daily life, I run into this on a somewhat regular basis.  Nurturing that spark, that light, creativity, heart, spirit - whatever you call it is so important to me.  I don't always know how to do it, but it is always my intention.  I feel like it's my job.  It's priceless and it needs nourishment.  Of course, really I want that too , but I guess that's what we do.  We offer what we also need ourselves.  And I know it's unrealistic that every person, teacher, mentor he comes in contact with will help support this goal, but I had high hopes for the music lesson without even realizing it.

So many of our lights get dim way too early.  Many American families feel stresed out and crave more balance in their lives.  I do too.  But what is balance?  More comfort?  Less things to do? Less stress?   Maybe.  Or maybe it means more spark?

I know I'm not alone.  So instead of trying to jam a square peg into a round hole like I've tried to do in the past.  I will accept what is as best I can and continue to search for my tribe.

PS Jackson said to me this evening, "Mom, you have played drums enough for one day.  It's time to stop but don't worry, you can play tomorrow at 10 am."  I told you I was as excited as he is!

tg  

A Mom's Kindergarten Jitters

Next week my son will begin his academic career - Kindergarten.  He is a confident, in-the-moment kind of guy, so he seems pretty laid back about the whole thing.  I love that about him.  He is ready. He is already asking me questions like, "Why do people speak different languages?"  And he loved the story I told him about how people used to think the world was flat. He thought it was hilarious! Now I'm not sure if those topics will be covered in Year One, but he'll get there.

What surprised me about embarking on this adventure is MY feelings about it.  I figured I'd feel something, just not this. Sure, I'm sentimental about this rite of passage, this gateway into a larger world, but this feeling of trepidation that I keep trying to ignore is what I find so interesting.  It boils down to this.  I hope he doesn't feel like I did.

My son is a vibrant, smart, creative spirit who is full of amazing energy. He is interested in a lot of different things.  I don't ever want him to think for one second that he isn't talented or that he doesn't have anything to offer the world.  As I studied the usual subjects in school and even in my extra-curricular activities, I felt more and more generic, untalented and unimportant.  I did well in school but because I didn't feel like I fit into any of the boxes that I was presented with, (I wasn't good in sports, I didn't want to be a doctor or a lawyer, I couldn't sing, and even though I loved to dance, I never could get good enough to get up on pointe, which I deemed to be the most beautiful thing in the world at age 9) I assumed those were the only boxes there was.  It took many more years for me to find my boxes and undo the images I created from my earlier schooling.

I need to be careful not to put my stuff about school on my son.  I do consciously try to bring his attention to a world of infinite boxes as I tend to my inner elementary school kid. I guess this is what they mean when they say "your children will raise you".

"Everyone is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid."  - Albert Einstein

Taking the Leap

Taking the leap. It feels more like a grand jete but a lot less graceful.  A cannon ball feels more accurate.  If it works out, I will label it an act of faith and if it doesn't, then it will be that stupid thing I did when I was 40.  The jury's still out.

Oh ya, the leap was that I quit my job.  I didn't mean to. I really didn't. What I meant to do was reduce my hours.  I was looking for a little more balance.  But when that didn't work out, the conversation that ensued resembled a beautiful melody - the kind that leads you somewhere. This particular melody led to my resignation.  And for the first ten days following, I felt awesome, powerful and happy.  I was actually surprised how good I felt.  There was even a little more spring in my step.  This must be the "right" decision.  Right?  Then fear came crawling in slowly.  I hope I didn't just put my family in jeopardy.  Will there be enough?  Did I make a mistake?  I have to stop evaluating my decisions based on how I feel in the moment.  That's a hard way to live in the world.

The truth is I made a bold choice. One that my family supports (bonus!) and that was talked about at length even though I hadn't made a final decision until that day.  Now it's my job to live into the decision rather than turn away from it like I'm bracing myself against a cold wind.  I will have more time with my son before he starts kindergarten and more time to develop and promote "Dance Like Nobody's Watching". And I'm taking my own advice.  I'm working it out thru dance.

I attended a wellness fair yesterday to help get the word out about DLNW.  I was feeling self conscious going around talking with people about my vision even though I have clarity about it in my heart.  Somewhere between my heart and my voice, I pick up doubt and self consciousness.  And when only a few people got up to dance during my workshop, I decided to dance thru my self conscious feelings.  They didn't go away, but they were tolerable.  (The feelings that is, not the people).   The thing that surprised me after dancing was that below my feelings of insecurity was the clarity that I felt more like myself than I had in a really long time.  And that felt really good.

So as I embark on this mission of mine to create more and more opportunities for people to dance, I have to be willing to hold the space until more people join me.  Until then, I will keep showing up and holding the invitation to dance.

My Good Friend Fear

This could be an entry in my journal as much as a blog.  Or maybe it's to anyone who struggles to make decisions.  Especially conscious ones.  I've often described my spiritual journey and life in general as one where I fumble along bumping into this and that and eventually I end up where I'm supposed to be. It's not always graceful but it gets the job done.

In the last year or so I have felt "old" for the first time.  By the way, "old" is not a feeling.  It surprised me a little, especially when I'd find myself around someone much older than me with double the vitality and way more connected to their beauty.  What's that about? I wondered.  I also started asking myself questions like,

"Am I too old to...have a baby?"
"Is it too risky? Too late? Am I too heavy? Too tired? Too...whatever?"
"Is it too hard to move to settle in a new part of the country?"

Then it hit me.  I am asking the wrong questions.

"Do I want to...have a baby, move to a new city, etc.?"
"What am I scared of?"

Now we are getting somewhere.  And my answer is rarely just a yes or no.  It's usually yes AND no. And both voices have value. That second question about fear is the key.  I'm afraid of unknown hardships and "bad" things happening directly linked to my choices.  I'm afraid  that I'd be bringing things on myself instead of just letting things be and being content with what is.  I want clear guidance. A burning bush would due.  :)  Until then, I will stay here with what is familiar just because I know what to expect.

Now I need a voice greater than my fear to come in and speak. Sometimes I feel like I'm making it up in my head or just saying what I would say to a good friend. I've learned that that is not a bad place to start.

My bottom line at this moment in time is that there will be both positive and negative outcomes to whatever choice I make. The goal is to make it consciously and not the from the old, comfortable "this is what I know" fear place. It seems simple enough as I write it but much more complicated when it rolls around in my head for anything length of time.

If you are interested in this idea of letting the different parts of you have a voice, check out the Pathwork Lecture on "Meditation For Three Voices" at www.pathwork.org.

Until next time.
t

Going Away to Come Home - Pathwork Reunion 2013

I am feeling immense gratitude this morning. It's almost overwhelming. I'm up before God and on my way to a Pathwork reunion with the Transformation Program class I graduated with in 2008. I can't wait. I look forward to sitting in that familiar circle once again. I love our group. I love our commitment, our heart, our occasional irreverence, our laughter, all of it. There is new gratitude too. I feel grateful for choosing to be a part of such an amazing program many years ago and following it through to the end. I almost joined the class the year before and I almost took a year off between the fourth and fifth year. I'm glad I began when I was single and had more time to devote to my personal process and I'm grateful for these reunions to rekindle my love for the work and reconnect with our group. It is sacred time. We are the only class I know of that creates these kinds of gatherings.

I was introduced to Pathwork quite by accident in 1996 when I was seriously addressing my food addiction. It was / is the exact right balance of emotional process work, bodywork, and spirituality for me. I haven't found anything else that goes deeper. It allows me the space to access places and states of being that I had unconsciously longed for but couldn't reach. It challenges me to fearlessly look at all parts of my Self in a process which I have found to be life changing. It meets me where I am. And to do all of this with such amazing people and to be a witness to their work is something really special.

I've been known to say that becoming a mom has ruined all my time away from home because I miss my son and I feel bad for leaving him and my husband (even though they are perfectly fine without me for a couple of days). I remember how I felt when my mom would go away for a short time. Funny thing is, my son is super psyched for a boys weekend full of M&M pancakes with whipped cream for breakfast - the patented “mom's away from home breakfast”. From what I can gather, he does not experience that same empty feeling I did when my mom was away so I have to be careful not to assume that he feels the same way I did as a child.

Jackson, my son, was very sweet as I left this morning. He made sure that we performed our special “DAP” that we do when we leave each other. Created by my husband, it is a ritual of kisses, hugs, high fives, knuckles and the like that makes us both feel better when parting. I couldn't help but feel, dare I say blessed, to feel how much I love my family as I go to spend time with a different family. I hope to come home better than when I left. I can already feel the work starting to work on me. I'm leaving the day to day behind to delve deeper into my self. The connection to my fellow Pathworkers is strong and I can't wait to see what unfolds over the next few days.

I am keenly aware of all the people who have made this time possible for me. I look forward to paying it forward in big and small ways. I am empowered by this work because I am reminds that even when I feel powerless over people, circumstances and life in general, I can always work on myself. And when I do that, I have the power to change everything.