Only I can take past successes and use them against me.

I think one of the major mental blocks I have these days is measuring the success of my day by old standards. And it's totally unfair.  Let me clarify. Rewind, let's say, 12 years ago.  I had just moved to Washington, DC.  I only knew two people when I moved there for a job. I was single and lived by myself. I lived a pretty healthy lifestyle at that time and the only other living thing I had to take care of was my cat Thomas.. I had lost 150 pounds a few years before and I was settled into a routine that felt comfortable.  Before and after work, I had the freedom to spend my time as I wished.  I may have gone to a rehearsal if I was working on a show, taken a dance class, hit the gym, rested, read, meditated or spent time with friends.  I went on retreats and contemplated my navel. OK, maybe not my navel. But you get the picture.  I had more time for self reflection, art, and self care.  I am so grateful for that time. I grew up a lot. In some ways, I thought this was my new way of life.  I do that a lot. Whether I perceive something to be good or bad, I often believe this is the way it's always going to be.  But the joke's on me.

It never stays that way. Change is the one thing I can count on.  Fast forward 12 years. I'm back in Richmond, VA with my husband of almost 6 years and my 3 year old son. I have a dog and time by myself is a rarity.  Now I get to experience life as a wife and a mom as well as a woman, an artist and a seeker.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm kind of a geek when it comes to my son.  I can't help it. When you experience such mind-blowingly big love, you can't help but be forever different.

But these days, I find myself doing a mental inventory of what didn't get done. I didn't exercise, i didn't journal, write down my food, call my friend back, meditate, read something of substance,  spend enough time with my family, paint my nails, or get enough rest. all the things I think a healthy person SHOULD do every day.  I'm using what I could do in my old life to judge myself harshly in this one.  And that stinks. Who wants to always come up short?

For years I have done a daily accounting of five things I am grateful for. This is a good practice for focusing my mind but I've also started an accounting of my successes.  Like today, I resurrected an old spiritual practice I was taught years ago. It may sound odd to some but just like others find centering with yoga or prayer and the like, I find taking Dead Sea salt in the shower & mindfully apply salt in a circular motion to each chakra (sacrum, belly, stomach, heart, throat, forehead & crown - although I don't topically apply it to my forehead or crown) is very centering.  I then lift my hands up above my head and say, "I release to the light anything in me or on me that no longer serves me".  And I visualize all the junk I hold onto - tasks, feelings, worries, resentments, anxieties and "shoulds" - traveling upward to an energy that can handle it far better than I can.  Of course, I have to laugh because half way through my private ritual I hear, "Mom! Mom! Where are you?  Can I have a drink?"

Well, it's not a pilgrimage to Mecca (or Sevenoaks), but it's one thing I can put on my list of successes for the day.  It's something  that I not only wanted to do, but something that I feel good about today.  And if I focus on the successes of my day, I'm much less likely to use my past (be it good or bad) against me.

t

Why is staying home when I'm sick so difficult?

Why is staying home when I am sick so difficult? I hardly ever do it.  My mom kept me home when I didn't feel well as a kid. So, why do I make such a big deal out of it? Where did I acquire the voice that tells me it's wrong. The one that says, "Your not really that sick. Suck it up! Push through it." And the truth is, I could "push through it" I usually do. But does that mean I should? Just because I can? Why does the 6 year old in me feel like I'm going to get in trouble or that coworkers won't believe me?  I have such a hard time making these kinds of decisions. But if my 4 year old son was in the same position in 35 years, I'd tell him to stay home and rest. No long deliberation or inner turmoil. No moral dilemma.  That is what you tell someone you love.

So I am starting to treat myself like someone I love. And what is the first thing I feel - guilt. I feel guilty for sending my child to daycare so I can rest. I feel bad for leaving my coworkers short staffed. I feel stressed about the cut in pay I will take by not going in. But I'm doing it anyway. Maybe it's an experiment into a new way of thinking.  Well, new to me (again).  Maybe I push thru cause I want to be seen a certain way. A dedicated worker, a good mom, a strong woman. But if an enlightened master looked at me, they would probably see a foolish child. Not at all the persona I was going for.

So I sit and let my body rest today and observe my thoughts. I don't have to believe them either. And for at least one day, I can shift my habitual way of thinking and acting to open some new neuropathways. God knows I could use some!  Doing something new is often a little uncomfortable but I think this is one that is worth doing. And I can rest in knowing that I did the right thing for me today.

t