I think one of the major mental blocks I have these days is measuring the success of my day by old standards. And it's totally unfair. Let me clarify. Rewind, let's say, 12 years ago. I had just moved to Washington, DC. I only knew two people when I moved there for a job. I was single and lived by myself. I lived a pretty healthy lifestyle at that time and the only other living thing I had to take care of was my cat Thomas.. I had lost 150 pounds a few years before and I was settled into a routine that felt comfortable. Before and after work, I had the freedom to spend my time as I wished. I may have gone to a rehearsal if I was working on a show, taken a dance class, hit the gym, rested, read, meditated or spent time with friends. I went on retreats and contemplated my navel. OK, maybe not my navel. But you get the picture. I had more time for self reflection, art, and self care. I am so grateful for that time. I grew up a lot. In some ways, I thought this was my new way of life. I do that a lot. Whether I perceive something to be good or bad, I often believe this is the way it's always going to be. But the joke's on me.
It never stays that way. Change is the one thing I can count on. Fast forward 12 years. I'm back in Richmond, VA with my husband of almost 6 years and my 3 year old son. I have a dog and time by myself is a rarity. Now I get to experience life as a wife and a mom as well as a woman, an artist and a seeker. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm kind of a geek when it comes to my son. I can't help it. When you experience such mind-blowingly big love, you can't help but be forever different.
But these days, I find myself doing a mental inventory of what didn't get done. I didn't exercise, i didn't journal, write down my food, call my friend back, meditate, read something of substance, spend enough time with my family, paint my nails, or get enough rest. all the things I think a healthy person SHOULD do every day. I'm using what I could do in my old life to judge myself harshly in this one. And that stinks. Who wants to always come up short?
For years I have done a daily accounting of five things I am grateful for. This is a good practice for focusing my mind but I've also started an accounting of my successes. Like today, I resurrected an old spiritual practice I was taught years ago. It may sound odd to some but just like others find centering with yoga or prayer and the like, I find taking Dead Sea salt in the shower & mindfully apply salt in a circular motion to each chakra (sacrum, belly, stomach, heart, throat, forehead & crown - although I don't topically apply it to my forehead or crown) is very centering. I then lift my hands up above my head and say, "I release to the light anything in me or on me that no longer serves me". And I visualize all the junk I hold onto - tasks, feelings, worries, resentments, anxieties and "shoulds" - traveling upward to an energy that can handle it far better than I can. Of course, I have to laugh because half way through my private ritual I hear, "Mom! Mom! Where are you? Can I have a drink?"
Well, it's not a pilgrimage to Mecca (or Sevenoaks), but it's one thing I can put on my list of successes for the day. It's something that I not only wanted to do, but something that I feel good about today. And if I focus on the successes of my day, I'm much less likely to use my past (be it good or bad) against me.
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