Why is staying home when I am sick so difficult? I hardly ever do it. My mom kept me home when I didn't feel well as a kid. So, why do I make such a big deal out of it? Where did I acquire the voice that tells me it's wrong. The one that says, "Your not really that sick. Suck it up! Push through it." And the truth is, I could "push through it" I usually do. But does that mean I should? Just because I can? Why does the 6 year old in me feel like I'm going to get in trouble or that coworkers won't believe me? I have such a hard time making these kinds of decisions. But if my 4 year old son was in the same position in 35 years, I'd tell him to stay home and rest. No long deliberation or inner turmoil. No moral dilemma. That is what you tell someone you love.
So I am starting to treat myself like someone I love. And what is the first thing I feel - guilt. I feel guilty for sending my child to daycare so I can rest. I feel bad for leaving my coworkers short staffed. I feel stressed about the cut in pay I will take by not going in. But I'm doing it anyway. Maybe it's an experiment into a new way of thinking. Well, new to me (again). Maybe I push thru cause I want to be seen a certain way. A dedicated worker, a good mom, a strong woman. But if an enlightened master looked at me, they would probably see a foolish child. Not at all the persona I was going for.
So I sit and let my body rest today and observe my thoughts. I don't have to believe them either. And for at least one day, I can shift my habitual way of thinking and acting to open some new neuropathways. God knows I could use some! Doing something new is often a little uncomfortable but I think this is one that is worth doing. And I can rest in knowing that I did the right thing for me today.
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