Today I had the opportunity to co-facilitate a two hour dance workshop, or retreat if you will. We talked about things like honesty, courage, owning our mistakes and living consciously. And then we danced. We danced a lot. And it was good. I have missed dancing so much. There is nothing quite like connecting my body to my heart and my heart to the music, other people and to spirit. It gives me the opportunity to get it all out. The stress, the extraneous thoughts, the feelings. We danced to rock n roll, world music, ballads and more. Each piece thought out carefully to match the concepts we were discussing. One of my favorites was Pat Benetar's "All Fired Up". Such a great song. The lyrics get me every time.
"Livin' with my eyes closed. Goin' day to day.
I never knew the difference, never cared either way.
Lookin' for a reason. Lookin' for a sign.
Reachin' out with both hands.
I gotta feel the kick inside.
All fired up.
Now I believe there comes a time when everything just falls in line.
We live and learn from our mistakes, our deepest cuts are healed by faith. Now I believe..."
I think this is my anthem. And not just because Pat is a cool rocker. The thing is, just because I've awakened at one time in a particular area doesn't guarantee that I'll stay awake. This has proven to be a difficult lesson for me to learn. Humbling to say the least. But it is an important one. I've been graced with many levels of recovery from food addiction - physically and emotionally. For years this recovery felt ingrained and second nature. But then things changed, as life has a tendency to do. My old "new" ways of being in the world didn't work for me anymore. I kept banging a square peg into a round hole. Instead of adapting to being a working mom, I kept trying to do all the things to take care of myself that I did as a single woman. The internal struggle I felt was intense and I was ill equipped to handle the pressure.
The key to my sanity is surrender. I have to end the internal war. The only way I know how to do that is to keep noticing when the battle flares up. When it does, I say, "There it is again. The fighting, the blaming and the shame." No judgement. Just observing and not "feeding" it. I need to find new ways to adapt to the things I cannot change (or don't want to change) in my life. The deeper my surrender, the more my inner resources are available to me. I think about the "good guy / bad guy" shows my son watches on TV and it reminds me that I can use my power for good or evil. :) Sometimes I use it for good and sometimes I'm the bad guy.
Each day I pray to let go of the fixed ideas I have about the way things should be and the ability to be open up to new ways of being. And when I don't know what the next right thing is - I can dance. And if nothing else, I feel more connected. And that's a good start.
Here's to the journey.
t
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Nostalgia - Opening My Heart to the Present (Happy Anniversary)
My wedding anniversary is coming up and as with any milestone, I think back to what it was like before, how it all happened, what it's like now and what my hopes are for the future. It's also a really good time for a gratitude list. Sometimes it is easy to romanticize the past and think of all the things we miss. That is not the case for me this time. In fact, the stories I remember from my dating escapades tend to be more humorous than anything else. Sometimes I wonder how I ever got myself into those situations? I have been told in the past that my "picker" must have been broken. You know, the part of you that chooses who you are going to go out with? Ya, that part. It is important for that part to be in good working order. Otherwise, you may have stories like these:
First, there was a guy who I had just met. We exchanged phone numbers and he called me the next day to say "I love you". (Yikes!) Or the guy I met at a sweat lodge. (I know. I know). We went out on a date and ended up at a Starbucks. (Go figure). We stared into each others eyes in silence for forty minutes while I literally watched his face shapeshift from young to old and male to female. We never spoke of this shapeshifting but he never called me again so I'm not quite sure what happened there. And then there is my favorite embarrassing story of all time. A guy I had only gone out with a few times came by to pick me up for a date. I was dressed to impress, hair, make up, the whole nine yards. He came in and we were making casual conversation on the couch. You know, the kind you have when you are both trying to make a good impression. Well, he said something funny and I laughed while taking a sip of water. (You see where this is going). I started to cough but I couldn't breathe. I stood up to catch my breath. No luck. My airway was blocked. I looked at him with panic in my eyes. He jumped up and started giving me the Heimlich maneuver. He thrusted his fist into my abdomen three times. On the third time I not only coughed but farted really loud. Panic gave way to utter mortification as we both doubled over each other laughing. Not the impression I was going for, but an impression none the less.
I've never been able to pull off hip, slick and cool. (Obviously). I still remember how I felt that night. Shear embarrassment on so many levels. The funny thing about it. He called back. Go figure.
Needless to say, I found dating exhausting. Other people are way better at it than me. Those guys all came and went. And now here I am years later; grateful to the many memories I have with my husband. Our first pseudo-date, the time he drove two hours to bring me flowers and ended up sneezing the entire way, and our amazing wedding day on top of a mountain just to name a few. Nostalgia isn't all bad, especially when I remember the good times and in the process, it opens my heart a little more to the present.
t
First, there was a guy who I had just met. We exchanged phone numbers and he called me the next day to say "I love you". (Yikes!) Or the guy I met at a sweat lodge. (I know. I know). We went out on a date and ended up at a Starbucks. (Go figure). We stared into each others eyes in silence for forty minutes while I literally watched his face shapeshift from young to old and male to female. We never spoke of this shapeshifting but he never called me again so I'm not quite sure what happened there. And then there is my favorite embarrassing story of all time. A guy I had only gone out with a few times came by to pick me up for a date. I was dressed to impress, hair, make up, the whole nine yards. He came in and we were making casual conversation on the couch. You know, the kind you have when you are both trying to make a good impression. Well, he said something funny and I laughed while taking a sip of water. (You see where this is going). I started to cough but I couldn't breathe. I stood up to catch my breath. No luck. My airway was blocked. I looked at him with panic in my eyes. He jumped up and started giving me the Heimlich maneuver. He thrusted his fist into my abdomen three times. On the third time I not only coughed but farted really loud. Panic gave way to utter mortification as we both doubled over each other laughing. Not the impression I was going for, but an impression none the less.
I've never been able to pull off hip, slick and cool. (Obviously). I still remember how I felt that night. Shear embarrassment on so many levels. The funny thing about it. He called back. Go figure.
Needless to say, I found dating exhausting. Other people are way better at it than me. Those guys all came and went. And now here I am years later; grateful to the many memories I have with my husband. Our first pseudo-date, the time he drove two hours to bring me flowers and ended up sneezing the entire way, and our amazing wedding day on top of a mountain just to name a few. Nostalgia isn't all bad, especially when I remember the good times and in the process, it opens my heart a little more to the present.
t
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Precious Gifts to a Chattering Mind
The word mindfulness always seemed a little off to me. I mean, I get the concept. Being more conscious, as opposed to mindless or careless. But when I'm letting go of thoughts in my head, doesn't that make my thinking mind LESS full? Semantics I guess.
There have been three particular experiences that have left me without thought. Times where being in the moment almost seemed mandatory. And it is these times that are most special to me.
The first is a space I've experienced a number of times and that is while dancing. I have a dancer's spirit and find that in the dance is where I feel most at home. It's my purest form of expression. Believe it or not, rhythm tap has a profound way of quieting my mind. It must have something to do with its percussive nature and inherent musicality. I love when you are practicing a piece your body is still learning. Especially one that is fast. You can't help but be in the moment. When a thought pops up like, "You are never going to get this next phrase."" Then you mess up. It happens without fail. Conversely, the thought might be, "You are doing GREAT! You've got this!". Then you mess up again! The process of switching from brain to body memory and back again is fascinating to me.
Maybe that is what all three experiences have in common. The body and the senses take precedence over thinking. It's a nice change from the normal mind chatter.
The second experience only happened once. I attended a gathering at the National Cathedral in Washington, DC a number of years ago. The Dalai Lama was in town and I had the pleasure of witnessing Tibetan monks chanting for peace. The beautiful sounds filled the Cathedral and my heart. It blew my mind. No thought could enter.. I felt so grounded and centered and excited all at the same time. I could feel the sound. Afterwards, I thought "This is way better than me sitting in meditation at home. If I had these guys with me all the time, I'd be enlightened in no time!"
The third is not something that felt quite as good, but was just as beautiful if not more so. That was labor. The kind right before childbirth. I remember trying to remember what my doula had taught me about positions, breathing and techniques that were taught to help the pain. Then came the moment of surrender where thinking and words became useless and it was time for my body to take over. I couldn't think my way out of this one. Nothing I could do was going to be better than surrendering - to my body, to nature, and to the consciousness of millions of women that have done this before me.
And so I take these gifts with me as mile markers on the journey. Precious gifts to a chattering mind.
t
There have been three particular experiences that have left me without thought. Times where being in the moment almost seemed mandatory. And it is these times that are most special to me.
The first is a space I've experienced a number of times and that is while dancing. I have a dancer's spirit and find that in the dance is where I feel most at home. It's my purest form of expression. Believe it or not, rhythm tap has a profound way of quieting my mind. It must have something to do with its percussive nature and inherent musicality. I love when you are practicing a piece your body is still learning. Especially one that is fast. You can't help but be in the moment. When a thought pops up like, "You are never going to get this next phrase."" Then you mess up. It happens without fail. Conversely, the thought might be, "You are doing GREAT! You've got this!". Then you mess up again! The process of switching from brain to body memory and back again is fascinating to me.
Maybe that is what all three experiences have in common. The body and the senses take precedence over thinking. It's a nice change from the normal mind chatter.
The second experience only happened once. I attended a gathering at the National Cathedral in Washington, DC a number of years ago. The Dalai Lama was in town and I had the pleasure of witnessing Tibetan monks chanting for peace. The beautiful sounds filled the Cathedral and my heart. It blew my mind. No thought could enter.. I felt so grounded and centered and excited all at the same time. I could feel the sound. Afterwards, I thought "This is way better than me sitting in meditation at home. If I had these guys with me all the time, I'd be enlightened in no time!"
The third is not something that felt quite as good, but was just as beautiful if not more so. That was labor. The kind right before childbirth. I remember trying to remember what my doula had taught me about positions, breathing and techniques that were taught to help the pain. Then came the moment of surrender where thinking and words became useless and it was time for my body to take over. I couldn't think my way out of this one. Nothing I could do was going to be better than surrendering - to my body, to nature, and to the consciousness of millions of women that have done this before me.
And so I take these gifts with me as mile markers on the journey. Precious gifts to a chattering mind.
t
Monday, September 2, 2013
So what's wrong with a little "down time" at home?
Most everyone loves three day weekends and I am no exception. But I found myself in one of my familiar holiday patterns. Especially when they are low key like this one. I had a general idea of how the weekend was going to go. Some things changed, but overall, the weekend was good. I did find myself wishing I had more exciting plans. Living in Richmond, VA, it felt like half the people I talked to on Friday were on their way to the Outer Banks. I was still not feeling well, my husband was sick and my son was fighting off a cold. Not to mention, I had a lot of work to do. So I was fine staying home most of Saturday. In fact, I enjoyed it. But then I got antsy. I thought of holidays gone by with nostalgia and wished I was with family or friends having a cookout or camping or something. Then I do something that never ends well. I check Facebook and compare my insides to other's outsides. Worse than just their outsides, there Facebook personas! Never a good idea. I just noticed I did this recently. If I'm feeling bored, lonely, or whatever and check Facebook, I look at all the fun people are having. I "like" all those pictures of parties and get togethers my "friends" are having and feel jealous of all the picturesque scenes of beaches, sunsets and mountains.
So what's wrong with a little "down time" at home?
I've never liked being home much. I thought it was just because I was an extrovert. But now I think it's more than that. Yes, I like feeling connected to people around me and I like outside stimulation, but I also have a difficult time switching gears. In the past, I'd go, go, go until I was wiped out and then crash. Life has a more moderate rhythm these days but when There is too much idle time, it feels uncomfortable. Like when I worked from home, I could never just sit and do nothing, I felt the need to work. Now I work outside the home and feel like if I'm home, I should be cleaning and taking care of the house. Now, I'm not trying to change this impulse per se, but I am noticing that it's there. I'm curious about it rather than jumping to conclusions. What's this about?
When I make the shift from doing to being, it feels uncomfortable. It's a bumpy transition. I feel the need to fill my time, even my relaxation. First I will meditate for this amount of time, then journal, then walk. And I'm the one who says I rebel against too much structure! As I slow down, my mind gets more active. Like when I was pregnant, the baby hardly moved when I'd take a tap (dance) class but when I'd lay down at night to sleep, he was flip flopping all over the place. And so it is with my mind and my feelings. I need to be OK with being a little uncomfortable. It helps to observe my feelings and ride the wave. When I ride the wave, I can slide into a different rhythm with much more ease and harmony.
Happy Labor Day!
t
So what's wrong with a little "down time" at home?
I've never liked being home much. I thought it was just because I was an extrovert. But now I think it's more than that. Yes, I like feeling connected to people around me and I like outside stimulation, but I also have a difficult time switching gears. In the past, I'd go, go, go until I was wiped out and then crash. Life has a more moderate rhythm these days but when There is too much idle time, it feels uncomfortable. Like when I worked from home, I could never just sit and do nothing, I felt the need to work. Now I work outside the home and feel like if I'm home, I should be cleaning and taking care of the house. Now, I'm not trying to change this impulse per se, but I am noticing that it's there. I'm curious about it rather than jumping to conclusions. What's this about?
When I make the shift from doing to being, it feels uncomfortable. It's a bumpy transition. I feel the need to fill my time, even my relaxation. First I will meditate for this amount of time, then journal, then walk. And I'm the one who says I rebel against too much structure! As I slow down, my mind gets more active. Like when I was pregnant, the baby hardly moved when I'd take a tap (dance) class but when I'd lay down at night to sleep, he was flip flopping all over the place. And so it is with my mind and my feelings. I need to be OK with being a little uncomfortable. It helps to observe my feelings and ride the wave. When I ride the wave, I can slide into a different rhythm with much more ease and harmony.
Happy Labor Day!
t
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Friendship IS Good Medicine
I'm feeling a little down at the moment, so I decided to write to some dear friends of mine. It was just a quick email saying I was thinking of them & that I wouldn't be able to join them on a phone call.. Sending that email, I thought of their faces, their wisdom, and all the experiences we have had together, and just doing that made me smile to myself.
Nothing beats an understanding friend.
I am fortunate to have a lot of them. They are scattered all over the country. And although I don't get to see them very often, when I do, it's like we saw each other just last week. What feels so good is not just their understanding, but how they see me. I can be my real, messy self with them and they still see all the good in me. And that's important because I can't always do that. I get stuck in all my shortcomings and can't see the forest through the trees. Isn't that how the saying goes?
On the flip side, I get the opportunity to do the same for them. And that feels good - opening my heart to be of use to someone else. That is good medicine. Can you tell I'm a Pisces?
One of the keys for me is recognizing who these people are in my life. Of course, I don't have these kinds of relationships with everyone. We all know people who would love to tell us how to live our life better and those that might just be a little bit happy if we fell on our faces. Accepting them as they are and not expecting them to be any different can save a lot of heartache. It's when I believe them that I run into trouble.
That is one of the cool things about getting older. I have friends that I've known for over 20 years! Even writing that blows my mind. It makes me realize my age, but more than that it makes me happy. I love following their journeys through the good times, the dark times, the funny times and the crazy times. I have a lot of gratitude for this part of my life.
And this is emotional weight loss right? When I'm feeling tackled by life, not living up to my full potential or overrun with other people's ideas about who I am - you know, the ones that aren't supposed to mean anything to me. All I have to do is reach out to any one of them. Sometimes I don't even have to mention what's going on. I just need to connect. Maybe even laugh a little. Somehow that sets me straight in a way nothing else can.
t
Nothing beats an understanding friend.
I am fortunate to have a lot of them. They are scattered all over the country. And although I don't get to see them very often, when I do, it's like we saw each other just last week. What feels so good is not just their understanding, but how they see me. I can be my real, messy self with them and they still see all the good in me. And that's important because I can't always do that. I get stuck in all my shortcomings and can't see the forest through the trees. Isn't that how the saying goes?
On the flip side, I get the opportunity to do the same for them. And that feels good - opening my heart to be of use to someone else. That is good medicine. Can you tell I'm a Pisces?
One of the keys for me is recognizing who these people are in my life. Of course, I don't have these kinds of relationships with everyone. We all know people who would love to tell us how to live our life better and those that might just be a little bit happy if we fell on our faces. Accepting them as they are and not expecting them to be any different can save a lot of heartache. It's when I believe them that I run into trouble.
That is one of the cool things about getting older. I have friends that I've known for over 20 years! Even writing that blows my mind. It makes me realize my age, but more than that it makes me happy. I love following their journeys through the good times, the dark times, the funny times and the crazy times. I have a lot of gratitude for this part of my life.
And this is emotional weight loss right? When I'm feeling tackled by life, not living up to my full potential or overrun with other people's ideas about who I am - you know, the ones that aren't supposed to mean anything to me. All I have to do is reach out to any one of them. Sometimes I don't even have to mention what's going on. I just need to connect. Maybe even laugh a little. Somehow that sets me straight in a way nothing else can.
t
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