Today I had the opportunity to co-facilitate a two hour dance workshop, or retreat if you will. We talked about things like honesty, courage, owning our mistakes and living consciously. And then we danced. We danced a lot. And it was good. I have missed dancing so much. There is nothing quite like connecting my body to my heart and my heart to the music, other people and to spirit. It gives me the opportunity to get it all out. The stress, the extraneous thoughts, the feelings. We danced to rock n roll, world music, ballads and more. Each piece thought out carefully to match the concepts we were discussing. One of my favorites was Pat Benetar's "All Fired Up". Such a great song. The lyrics get me every time.
"Livin' with my eyes closed. Goin' day to day.
I never knew the difference, never cared either way.
Lookin' for a reason. Lookin' for a sign.
Reachin' out with both hands.
I gotta feel the kick inside.
All fired up.
Now I believe there comes a time when everything just falls in line.
We live and learn from our mistakes, our deepest cuts are healed by faith. Now I believe..."
I think this is my anthem. And not just because Pat is a cool rocker. The thing is, just because I've awakened at one time in a particular area doesn't guarantee that I'll stay awake. This has proven to be a difficult lesson for me to learn. Humbling to say the least. But it is an important one. I've been graced with many levels of recovery from food addiction - physically and emotionally. For years this recovery felt ingrained and second nature. But then things changed, as life has a tendency to do. My old "new" ways of being in the world didn't work for me anymore. I kept banging a square peg into a round hole. Instead of adapting to being a working mom, I kept trying to do all the things to take care of myself that I did as a single woman. The internal struggle I felt was intense and I was ill equipped to handle the pressure.
The key to my sanity is surrender. I have to end the internal war. The only way I know how to do that is to keep noticing when the battle flares up. When it does, I say, "There it is again. The fighting, the blaming and the shame." No judgement. Just observing and not "feeding" it. I need to find new ways to adapt to the things I cannot change (or don't want to change) in my life. The deeper my surrender, the more my inner resources are available to me. I think about the "good guy / bad guy" shows my son watches on TV and it reminds me that I can use my power for good or evil. :) Sometimes I use it for good and sometimes I'm the bad guy.
Each day I pray to let go of the fixed ideas I have about the way things should be and the ability to be open up to new ways of being. And when I don't know what the next right thing is - I can dance. And if nothing else, I feel more connected. And that's a good start.
Here's to the journey.
t
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