Taking the leap. It feels more like a grand jete but a lot less graceful. A cannon ball feels more accurate. If it works out, I will label it an act of faith and if it doesn't, then it will be that stupid thing I did when I was 40. The jury's still out.
Oh ya, the leap was that I quit my job. I didn't mean to. I really didn't. What I meant to do was reduce my hours. I was looking for a little more balance. But when that didn't work out, the conversation that ensued resembled a beautiful melody - the kind that leads you somewhere. This particular melody led to my resignation. And for the first ten days following, I felt awesome, powerful and happy. I was actually surprised how good I felt. There was even a little more spring in my step. This must be the "right" decision. Right? Then fear came crawling in slowly. I hope I didn't just put my family in jeopardy. Will there be enough? Did I make a mistake? I have to stop evaluating my decisions based on how I feel in the moment. That's a hard way to live in the world.
The truth is I made a bold choice. One that my family supports (bonus!) and that was talked about at length even though I hadn't made a final decision until that day. Now it's my job to live into the decision rather than turn away from it like I'm bracing myself against a cold wind. I will have more time with my son before he starts kindergarten and more time to develop and promote "Dance Like Nobody's Watching". And I'm taking my own advice. I'm working it out thru dance.
I attended a wellness fair yesterday to help get the word out about DLNW. I was feeling self conscious going around talking with people about my vision even though I have clarity about it in my heart. Somewhere between my heart and my voice, I pick up doubt and self consciousness. And when only a few people got up to dance during my workshop, I decided to dance thru my self conscious feelings. They didn't go away, but they were tolerable. (The feelings that is, not the people). The thing that surprised me after dancing was that below my feelings of insecurity was the clarity that I felt more like myself than I had in a really long time. And that felt really good.
So as I embark on this mission of mine to create more and more opportunities for people to dance, I have to be willing to hold the space until more people join me. Until then, I will keep showing up and holding the invitation to dance.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
My Good Friend Fear
This could be an entry in my journal as much as a blog. Or maybe it's to anyone who struggles to make decisions. Especially conscious ones. I've often described my spiritual journey and life in general as one where I fumble along bumping into this and that and eventually I end up where I'm supposed to be. It's not always graceful but it gets the job done.
In the last year or so I have felt "old" for the first time. By the way, "old" is not a feeling. It surprised me a little, especially when I'd find myself around someone much older than me with double the vitality and way more connected to their beauty. What's that about? I wondered. I also started asking myself questions like,
"Am I too old to...have a baby?"
"Is it too risky? Too late? Am I too heavy? Too tired? Too...whatever?"
"Is it too hard to move to settle in a new part of the country?"
Then it hit me. I am asking the wrong questions.
"Do I want to...have a baby, move to a new city, etc.?"
"What am I scared of?"
Now we are getting somewhere. And my answer is rarely just a yes or no. It's usually yes AND no. And both voices have value. That second question about fear is the key. I'm afraid of unknown hardships and "bad" things happening directly linked to my choices. I'm afraid that I'd be bringing things on myself instead of just letting things be and being content with what is. I want clear guidance. A burning bush would due. :) Until then, I will stay here with what is familiar just because I know what to expect.
Now I need a voice greater than my fear to come in and speak. Sometimes I feel like I'm making it up in my head or just saying what I would say to a good friend. I've learned that that is not a bad place to start.
My bottom line at this moment in time is that there will be both positive and negative outcomes to whatever choice I make. The goal is to make it consciously and not the from the old, comfortable "this is what I know" fear place. It seems simple enough as I write it but much more complicated when it rolls around in my head for anything length of time.
If you are interested in this idea of letting the different parts of you have a voice, check out the Pathwork Lecture on "Meditation For Three Voices" at www.pathwork.org.
Until next time.
t
In the last year or so I have felt "old" for the first time. By the way, "old" is not a feeling. It surprised me a little, especially when I'd find myself around someone much older than me with double the vitality and way more connected to their beauty. What's that about? I wondered. I also started asking myself questions like,
"Am I too old to...have a baby?"
"Is it too risky? Too late? Am I too heavy? Too tired? Too...whatever?"
"Is it too hard to move to settle in a new part of the country?"
Then it hit me. I am asking the wrong questions.
"Do I want to...have a baby, move to a new city, etc.?"
"What am I scared of?"
Now we are getting somewhere. And my answer is rarely just a yes or no. It's usually yes AND no. And both voices have value. That second question about fear is the key. I'm afraid of unknown hardships and "bad" things happening directly linked to my choices. I'm afraid that I'd be bringing things on myself instead of just letting things be and being content with what is. I want clear guidance. A burning bush would due. :) Until then, I will stay here with what is familiar just because I know what to expect.
Now I need a voice greater than my fear to come in and speak. Sometimes I feel like I'm making it up in my head or just saying what I would say to a good friend. I've learned that that is not a bad place to start.
My bottom line at this moment in time is that there will be both positive and negative outcomes to whatever choice I make. The goal is to make it consciously and not the from the old, comfortable "this is what I know" fear place. It seems simple enough as I write it but much more complicated when it rolls around in my head for anything length of time.
If you are interested in this idea of letting the different parts of you have a voice, check out the Pathwork Lecture on "Meditation For Three Voices" at www.pathwork.org.
Until next time.
t
Friday, October 11, 2013
Going Away to Come Home - Pathwork Reunion 2013
I am feeling immense gratitude this morning. It's almost overwhelming. I'm up before God and on my way to a Pathwork reunion with the Transformation Program class I graduated with in 2008. I can't wait. I look forward to sitting in that familiar circle once again. I love our group. I love our commitment, our heart, our occasional irreverence, our laughter, all of it. There is new gratitude too. I feel grateful for choosing to be a part of such an amazing program many years ago and following it through to the end. I almost joined the class the year before and I almost took a year off between the fourth and fifth year. I'm glad I began when I was single and had more time to devote to my personal process and I'm grateful for these reunions to rekindle my love for the work and reconnect with our group. It is sacred time. We are the only class I know of that creates these kinds of gatherings.
I was introduced to Pathwork quite by accident in 1996 when I was seriously addressing my food addiction. It was / is the exact right balance of emotional process work, bodywork, and spirituality for me. I haven't found anything else that goes deeper. It allows me the space to access places and states of being that I had unconsciously longed for but couldn't reach. It challenges me to fearlessly look at all parts of my Self in a process which I have found to be life changing. It meets me where I am. And to do all of this with such amazing people and to be a witness to their work is something really special.
I've been known to say that becoming a mom has ruined all my time away from home because I miss my son and I feel bad for leaving him and my husband (even though they are perfectly fine without me for a couple of days). I remember how I felt when my mom would go away for a short time. Funny thing is, my son is super psyched for a boys weekend full of M&M pancakes with whipped cream for breakfast - the patented “mom's away from home breakfast”. From what I can gather, he does not experience that same empty feeling I did when my mom was away so I have to be careful not to assume that he feels the same way I did as a child.
Jackson, my son, was very sweet as I left this morning. He made sure that we performed our special “DAP” that we do when we leave each other. Created by my husband, it is a ritual of kisses, hugs, high fives, knuckles and the like that makes us both feel better when parting. I couldn't help but feel, dare I say blessed, to feel how much I love my family as I go to spend time with a different family. I hope to come home better than when I left. I can already feel the work starting to work on me. I'm leaving the day to day behind to delve deeper into my self. The connection to my fellow Pathworkers is strong and I can't wait to see what unfolds over the next few days.
I am keenly aware of all the people who have made this time possible for me. I look forward to paying it forward in big and small ways. I am empowered by this work because I am reminds that even when I feel powerless over people, circumstances and life in general, I can always work on myself. And when I do that, I have the power to change everything.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Dancing the Parh of Surrender
Today I had the opportunity to co-facilitate a two hour dance workshop, or retreat if you will. We talked about things like honesty, courage, owning our mistakes and living consciously. And then we danced. We danced a lot. And it was good. I have missed dancing so much. There is nothing quite like connecting my body to my heart and my heart to the music, other people and to spirit. It gives me the opportunity to get it all out. The stress, the extraneous thoughts, the feelings. We danced to rock n roll, world music, ballads and more. Each piece thought out carefully to match the concepts we were discussing. One of my favorites was Pat Benetar's "All Fired Up". Such a great song. The lyrics get me every time.
"Livin' with my eyes closed. Goin' day to day.
I never knew the difference, never cared either way.
Lookin' for a reason. Lookin' for a sign.
Reachin' out with both hands.
I gotta feel the kick inside.
All fired up.
Now I believe there comes a time when everything just falls in line.
We live and learn from our mistakes, our deepest cuts are healed by faith. Now I believe..."
I think this is my anthem. And not just because Pat is a cool rocker. The thing is, just because I've awakened at one time in a particular area doesn't guarantee that I'll stay awake. This has proven to be a difficult lesson for me to learn. Humbling to say the least. But it is an important one. I've been graced with many levels of recovery from food addiction - physically and emotionally. For years this recovery felt ingrained and second nature. But then things changed, as life has a tendency to do. My old "new" ways of being in the world didn't work for me anymore. I kept banging a square peg into a round hole. Instead of adapting to being a working mom, I kept trying to do all the things to take care of myself that I did as a single woman. The internal struggle I felt was intense and I was ill equipped to handle the pressure.
The key to my sanity is surrender. I have to end the internal war. The only way I know how to do that is to keep noticing when the battle flares up. When it does, I say, "There it is again. The fighting, the blaming and the shame." No judgement. Just observing and not "feeding" it. I need to find new ways to adapt to the things I cannot change (or don't want to change) in my life. The deeper my surrender, the more my inner resources are available to me. I think about the "good guy / bad guy" shows my son watches on TV and it reminds me that I can use my power for good or evil. :) Sometimes I use it for good and sometimes I'm the bad guy.
Each day I pray to let go of the fixed ideas I have about the way things should be and the ability to be open up to new ways of being. And when I don't know what the next right thing is - I can dance. And if nothing else, I feel more connected. And that's a good start.
Here's to the journey.
t
"Livin' with my eyes closed. Goin' day to day.
I never knew the difference, never cared either way.
Lookin' for a reason. Lookin' for a sign.
Reachin' out with both hands.
I gotta feel the kick inside.
All fired up.
Now I believe there comes a time when everything just falls in line.
We live and learn from our mistakes, our deepest cuts are healed by faith. Now I believe..."
I think this is my anthem. And not just because Pat is a cool rocker. The thing is, just because I've awakened at one time in a particular area doesn't guarantee that I'll stay awake. This has proven to be a difficult lesson for me to learn. Humbling to say the least. But it is an important one. I've been graced with many levels of recovery from food addiction - physically and emotionally. For years this recovery felt ingrained and second nature. But then things changed, as life has a tendency to do. My old "new" ways of being in the world didn't work for me anymore. I kept banging a square peg into a round hole. Instead of adapting to being a working mom, I kept trying to do all the things to take care of myself that I did as a single woman. The internal struggle I felt was intense and I was ill equipped to handle the pressure.
The key to my sanity is surrender. I have to end the internal war. The only way I know how to do that is to keep noticing when the battle flares up. When it does, I say, "There it is again. The fighting, the blaming and the shame." No judgement. Just observing and not "feeding" it. I need to find new ways to adapt to the things I cannot change (or don't want to change) in my life. The deeper my surrender, the more my inner resources are available to me. I think about the "good guy / bad guy" shows my son watches on TV and it reminds me that I can use my power for good or evil. :) Sometimes I use it for good and sometimes I'm the bad guy.
Each day I pray to let go of the fixed ideas I have about the way things should be and the ability to be open up to new ways of being. And when I don't know what the next right thing is - I can dance. And if nothing else, I feel more connected. And that's a good start.
Here's to the journey.
t
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Nostalgia - Opening My Heart to the Present (Happy Anniversary)
My wedding anniversary is coming up and as with any milestone, I think back to what it was like before, how it all happened, what it's like now and what my hopes are for the future. It's also a really good time for a gratitude list. Sometimes it is easy to romanticize the past and think of all the things we miss. That is not the case for me this time. In fact, the stories I remember from my dating escapades tend to be more humorous than anything else. Sometimes I wonder how I ever got myself into those situations? I have been told in the past that my "picker" must have been broken. You know, the part of you that chooses who you are going to go out with? Ya, that part. It is important for that part to be in good working order. Otherwise, you may have stories like these:
First, there was a guy who I had just met. We exchanged phone numbers and he called me the next day to say "I love you". (Yikes!) Or the guy I met at a sweat lodge. (I know. I know). We went out on a date and ended up at a Starbucks. (Go figure). We stared into each others eyes in silence for forty minutes while I literally watched his face shapeshift from young to old and male to female. We never spoke of this shapeshifting but he never called me again so I'm not quite sure what happened there. And then there is my favorite embarrassing story of all time. A guy I had only gone out with a few times came by to pick me up for a date. I was dressed to impress, hair, make up, the whole nine yards. He came in and we were making casual conversation on the couch. You know, the kind you have when you are both trying to make a good impression. Well, he said something funny and I laughed while taking a sip of water. (You see where this is going). I started to cough but I couldn't breathe. I stood up to catch my breath. No luck. My airway was blocked. I looked at him with panic in my eyes. He jumped up and started giving me the Heimlich maneuver. He thrusted his fist into my abdomen three times. On the third time I not only coughed but farted really loud. Panic gave way to utter mortification as we both doubled over each other laughing. Not the impression I was going for, but an impression none the less.
I've never been able to pull off hip, slick and cool. (Obviously). I still remember how I felt that night. Shear embarrassment on so many levels. The funny thing about it. He called back. Go figure.
Needless to say, I found dating exhausting. Other people are way better at it than me. Those guys all came and went. And now here I am years later; grateful to the many memories I have with my husband. Our first pseudo-date, the time he drove two hours to bring me flowers and ended up sneezing the entire way, and our amazing wedding day on top of a mountain just to name a few. Nostalgia isn't all bad, especially when I remember the good times and in the process, it opens my heart a little more to the present.
t
First, there was a guy who I had just met. We exchanged phone numbers and he called me the next day to say "I love you". (Yikes!) Or the guy I met at a sweat lodge. (I know. I know). We went out on a date and ended up at a Starbucks. (Go figure). We stared into each others eyes in silence for forty minutes while I literally watched his face shapeshift from young to old and male to female. We never spoke of this shapeshifting but he never called me again so I'm not quite sure what happened there. And then there is my favorite embarrassing story of all time. A guy I had only gone out with a few times came by to pick me up for a date. I was dressed to impress, hair, make up, the whole nine yards. He came in and we were making casual conversation on the couch. You know, the kind you have when you are both trying to make a good impression. Well, he said something funny and I laughed while taking a sip of water. (You see where this is going). I started to cough but I couldn't breathe. I stood up to catch my breath. No luck. My airway was blocked. I looked at him with panic in my eyes. He jumped up and started giving me the Heimlich maneuver. He thrusted his fist into my abdomen three times. On the third time I not only coughed but farted really loud. Panic gave way to utter mortification as we both doubled over each other laughing. Not the impression I was going for, but an impression none the less.
I've never been able to pull off hip, slick and cool. (Obviously). I still remember how I felt that night. Shear embarrassment on so many levels. The funny thing about it. He called back. Go figure.
Needless to say, I found dating exhausting. Other people are way better at it than me. Those guys all came and went. And now here I am years later; grateful to the many memories I have with my husband. Our first pseudo-date, the time he drove two hours to bring me flowers and ended up sneezing the entire way, and our amazing wedding day on top of a mountain just to name a few. Nostalgia isn't all bad, especially when I remember the good times and in the process, it opens my heart a little more to the present.
t
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Precious Gifts to a Chattering Mind
The word mindfulness always seemed a little off to me. I mean, I get the concept. Being more conscious, as opposed to mindless or careless. But when I'm letting go of thoughts in my head, doesn't that make my thinking mind LESS full? Semantics I guess.
There have been three particular experiences that have left me without thought. Times where being in the moment almost seemed mandatory. And it is these times that are most special to me.
The first is a space I've experienced a number of times and that is while dancing. I have a dancer's spirit and find that in the dance is where I feel most at home. It's my purest form of expression. Believe it or not, rhythm tap has a profound way of quieting my mind. It must have something to do with its percussive nature and inherent musicality. I love when you are practicing a piece your body is still learning. Especially one that is fast. You can't help but be in the moment. When a thought pops up like, "You are never going to get this next phrase."" Then you mess up. It happens without fail. Conversely, the thought might be, "You are doing GREAT! You've got this!". Then you mess up again! The process of switching from brain to body memory and back again is fascinating to me.
Maybe that is what all three experiences have in common. The body and the senses take precedence over thinking. It's a nice change from the normal mind chatter.
The second experience only happened once. I attended a gathering at the National Cathedral in Washington, DC a number of years ago. The Dalai Lama was in town and I had the pleasure of witnessing Tibetan monks chanting for peace. The beautiful sounds filled the Cathedral and my heart. It blew my mind. No thought could enter.. I felt so grounded and centered and excited all at the same time. I could feel the sound. Afterwards, I thought "This is way better than me sitting in meditation at home. If I had these guys with me all the time, I'd be enlightened in no time!"
The third is not something that felt quite as good, but was just as beautiful if not more so. That was labor. The kind right before childbirth. I remember trying to remember what my doula had taught me about positions, breathing and techniques that were taught to help the pain. Then came the moment of surrender where thinking and words became useless and it was time for my body to take over. I couldn't think my way out of this one. Nothing I could do was going to be better than surrendering - to my body, to nature, and to the consciousness of millions of women that have done this before me.
And so I take these gifts with me as mile markers on the journey. Precious gifts to a chattering mind.
t
There have been three particular experiences that have left me without thought. Times where being in the moment almost seemed mandatory. And it is these times that are most special to me.
The first is a space I've experienced a number of times and that is while dancing. I have a dancer's spirit and find that in the dance is where I feel most at home. It's my purest form of expression. Believe it or not, rhythm tap has a profound way of quieting my mind. It must have something to do with its percussive nature and inherent musicality. I love when you are practicing a piece your body is still learning. Especially one that is fast. You can't help but be in the moment. When a thought pops up like, "You are never going to get this next phrase."" Then you mess up. It happens without fail. Conversely, the thought might be, "You are doing GREAT! You've got this!". Then you mess up again! The process of switching from brain to body memory and back again is fascinating to me.
Maybe that is what all three experiences have in common. The body and the senses take precedence over thinking. It's a nice change from the normal mind chatter.
The second experience only happened once. I attended a gathering at the National Cathedral in Washington, DC a number of years ago. The Dalai Lama was in town and I had the pleasure of witnessing Tibetan monks chanting for peace. The beautiful sounds filled the Cathedral and my heart. It blew my mind. No thought could enter.. I felt so grounded and centered and excited all at the same time. I could feel the sound. Afterwards, I thought "This is way better than me sitting in meditation at home. If I had these guys with me all the time, I'd be enlightened in no time!"
The third is not something that felt quite as good, but was just as beautiful if not more so. That was labor. The kind right before childbirth. I remember trying to remember what my doula had taught me about positions, breathing and techniques that were taught to help the pain. Then came the moment of surrender where thinking and words became useless and it was time for my body to take over. I couldn't think my way out of this one. Nothing I could do was going to be better than surrendering - to my body, to nature, and to the consciousness of millions of women that have done this before me.
And so I take these gifts with me as mile markers on the journey. Precious gifts to a chattering mind.
t
Monday, September 2, 2013
So what's wrong with a little "down time" at home?
Most everyone loves three day weekends and I am no exception. But I found myself in one of my familiar holiday patterns. Especially when they are low key like this one. I had a general idea of how the weekend was going to go. Some things changed, but overall, the weekend was good. I did find myself wishing I had more exciting plans. Living in Richmond, VA, it felt like half the people I talked to on Friday were on their way to the Outer Banks. I was still not feeling well, my husband was sick and my son was fighting off a cold. Not to mention, I had a lot of work to do. So I was fine staying home most of Saturday. In fact, I enjoyed it. But then I got antsy. I thought of holidays gone by with nostalgia and wished I was with family or friends having a cookout or camping or something. Then I do something that never ends well. I check Facebook and compare my insides to other's outsides. Worse than just their outsides, there Facebook personas! Never a good idea. I just noticed I did this recently. If I'm feeling bored, lonely, or whatever and check Facebook, I look at all the fun people are having. I "like" all those pictures of parties and get togethers my "friends" are having and feel jealous of all the picturesque scenes of beaches, sunsets and mountains.
So what's wrong with a little "down time" at home?
I've never liked being home much. I thought it was just because I was an extrovert. But now I think it's more than that. Yes, I like feeling connected to people around me and I like outside stimulation, but I also have a difficult time switching gears. In the past, I'd go, go, go until I was wiped out and then crash. Life has a more moderate rhythm these days but when There is too much idle time, it feels uncomfortable. Like when I worked from home, I could never just sit and do nothing, I felt the need to work. Now I work outside the home and feel like if I'm home, I should be cleaning and taking care of the house. Now, I'm not trying to change this impulse per se, but I am noticing that it's there. I'm curious about it rather than jumping to conclusions. What's this about?
When I make the shift from doing to being, it feels uncomfortable. It's a bumpy transition. I feel the need to fill my time, even my relaxation. First I will meditate for this amount of time, then journal, then walk. And I'm the one who says I rebel against too much structure! As I slow down, my mind gets more active. Like when I was pregnant, the baby hardly moved when I'd take a tap (dance) class but when I'd lay down at night to sleep, he was flip flopping all over the place. And so it is with my mind and my feelings. I need to be OK with being a little uncomfortable. It helps to observe my feelings and ride the wave. When I ride the wave, I can slide into a different rhythm with much more ease and harmony.
Happy Labor Day!
t
So what's wrong with a little "down time" at home?
I've never liked being home much. I thought it was just because I was an extrovert. But now I think it's more than that. Yes, I like feeling connected to people around me and I like outside stimulation, but I also have a difficult time switching gears. In the past, I'd go, go, go until I was wiped out and then crash. Life has a more moderate rhythm these days but when There is too much idle time, it feels uncomfortable. Like when I worked from home, I could never just sit and do nothing, I felt the need to work. Now I work outside the home and feel like if I'm home, I should be cleaning and taking care of the house. Now, I'm not trying to change this impulse per se, but I am noticing that it's there. I'm curious about it rather than jumping to conclusions. What's this about?
When I make the shift from doing to being, it feels uncomfortable. It's a bumpy transition. I feel the need to fill my time, even my relaxation. First I will meditate for this amount of time, then journal, then walk. And I'm the one who says I rebel against too much structure! As I slow down, my mind gets more active. Like when I was pregnant, the baby hardly moved when I'd take a tap (dance) class but when I'd lay down at night to sleep, he was flip flopping all over the place. And so it is with my mind and my feelings. I need to be OK with being a little uncomfortable. It helps to observe my feelings and ride the wave. When I ride the wave, I can slide into a different rhythm with much more ease and harmony.
Happy Labor Day!
t
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